Infamous Deluxe Edition

Tomorrow marks the beginning of a new chapter for our band, as well as myself. It took over a year of writing, and months of recording and listening to the same god damn drum fills (haha). It was one of the most stressful, hateful, as well as extremely exciting experiences of my life, and it nearly brought me to my knees a few times. I almost said “fuck this”, with the intention of flying home from the studio early, at least three times because I was so far beyond any level of stress I had ever known before that point. Even after the album was written, recorded, and mass produced there were was still this feeling of incompleteness looming over ‘Infamous’ that stayed relentless in our minds. It was like this strange new cancer slowly eating away at us from the inside out, and we knew it, but we didn’t know how exactly to deal with it. So we did the only thing that made sense- we re-recorded every song with our good friend Mick Kenney (Anaal Nathrakh/Suffer Well). New guitars, new bass, and new drums, all mixed with new vocals. All of these combining factors have given ‘Infamous’ an entirely new feel. So much so that it almost doesn’t even sound like the same album anymore (in a very good way). Along with all of the normal tracks, we have added a couple brand new songs that none of you have ever heard before. We have three remixes done by Celldweller, Andy from Combichrist, and…….(drumroll please)….. myself! I couldn’t be more excited to have my “debut remix” be a part if such an important album in our bands career.

When we got the final mastered deluxe mixes back, it was like a breath of fresh air. That looming feeling was gone, and everything felt the way it should have the first time around. And now, I’m feeling the weight fall off of me as I write this: it’s finally 100% complete, and we can all breathe again.

With all of that said, the deluxe edition of ‘Infamous’ will be available for purchase tomorrow, Tuesday the 11th on iTunes. I can’t wait for everyone to hear it and be blown away by how great everything sounds (you can actually hear all the keyboard/guitar leads now!) As far as I know, we will have physical copies of the cd (with new artwork) for purchase at Mayhem Festival this summer, so come pick one up!

See you all soon!

Off in the distance there’s a storm brewing. Intense neon flashes cut through the looming black, and the sun hangs like a portrait in the corner of the world, its peach tint nearly beyond the horizon. Delicate reverberations drift from nowhere to here, the echo of underlying softness comforting and benevolent. Between gusts of cyclonic wind skating clouds across the sky, the iridescent glow of the fading sun is sometimes sallow, and others, a bloody red. Ahead, the dangerous black thing inches forward, and through the soft chimes dancing in the air come screaming thunderous booms that vibrate the asphalt beneath my feet. In the shadows of dying sunlight there’s a fuzzy static in the sky. Then it hits me. Clear specks cover my clothes in spattered, temporary stains. Sprinkling showers. Then, three-carat diamond size marbles of ice. Within seconds, the gust is so strong that its pulling air out of my lungs. Like sticking your head out of a car window going sixty, I’m gasping for air, and these marbles from the sky are pelting my skin leaving tiny, open welts.

Long ago there was a structure here. A sturdy brick box with a concrete foundation and crimped metal roofing. Over time, the mortar began to fail and, storm after increasingly violent storm, these healthy hunks of clay and concrete crumbled and withered from nature’s elements until it was nothing more than a skewed, tattered, two-foot-tall mausoleum. Now, it’s a pile of rubble and distorted sheet metal.

Glittering above me, the storm is at it’s peak, drowning the surrounding field, the ice ripping my clothes, and the wind stealing my air. Jolts of skin-melting electricity shoot into the ground nearby, and the soft, calming chimes in the distance are gone. So deafening is the storm that I try to yell, and it is nonexistent in the roaring thunder, like it was stolen from the same thieving wind that continues to take my breath. Looking back at the pile of rock that was once my shelter, the wind calms for only a brief moment, enough for a quick swallow of wet, chilled air that stings when it hits my lungs.

When I needed you the most, you were already gone.

The sopping mound of stone sits silent, poker-faced, and stern, offering no tranquility or resolution. Opening my arms, I exhale as the last spark of lightning streaks across the sky, painting a single violet-frayed finger in the darkness that points exactly to where I stand.

Sweet Pandemonium

If there was some way to say everything that needed saying, then it may all come spewing out like the oatmeal-soup bile of a bulimic, and this would be a thousand pages long. But nothing makes sense anymore, and trying to retain full composure is faulty at best. Unfortunately, this means confusion on top of confusion. And in this world, confusion is everything. It’s what makes us vulnerable, and what keeps us afraid. We are, by nature, terrified of what we don’t understand, and this binds us in constant purgatorial restraints. The more time we spend away from family and loved ones, it becomes clear how important having these groundings there to keep us stable really are. We are so far beyond anything even remotely close to the every day norm, that when this becomes all you know, it’s hard to understand the reality that the rest of the world lives. Even just interacting with people is a struggle. To find a common interest, or to communicate in a way that makes sense is next to impossible. I’ve spent so much time thinking about everything in my life. Unfortunately, I don’t seem to comprehend a good single-digit percentage. I tend to not get close to people because its hard to keep these ties together. Even with family, it’s difficult to find time and conversation that isn’t outside of my life (which I’m under the impression that most people don’t understand). The upkeep of these sorts is essential, for sanity’s sake. I’m at a point in my life where these ties and bindings are slowly starting to untie and loosen, and it is without a doubt one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever experienced. It’s as if I’m watching the landscape around me crumble bit by bit, and the only thing I’m able to do is watch, because its like seeing someone drown. You’re unable to act because you’re too stunned, and you can’t look away because you want to see what’s going to happen next. And little by little, my life is land-sliding and I’m watching the foundations of buildings and landmarks pick up speed. Shortly, I feel that I’m going to see it all crash to the ground, and my world is going to tilt. Dipping ever so slightly into the deep end, giving me a taste of the chaos that will be out of my hands beyond that point. I’m in a continuous loop of my past, wondering how the impossible odds were in my favor and how I’m in the same mental state I was years ago with such different scenery. Back when my therapist told me, “this is just how your brain works, most people don’t have such intense symptoms,” I knew it was going to be struggle, though I didn’t know how unforeseen obstacles could induce such a mentally damaging state. I’m now understanding the catastrophic reality of what this damage has inflicted over the years. I’m not exactly sure what it is, but I can feel it with an intensity that’s inexplicable. It’s spilling out of the seams, having filled up somewhere deep within me, and if I don’t relieve some of the pressure I’m going to burst in some violent explosion where all my insides are spread out over the distance of a mile.

I’m not asking for you to understand, or for you to feel sorry, because you won’t understand, and feeling sorry wont bring peace to my internal pandemonium. I’m asking my mind to file away the clutter and bring some sort of order to the mess that is my brain. I’m asking to let go of the impulses, and let go of the constant backseat narration that comes with my every waking moment. I need some sort of serenity. I need undisturbed sleep. And most importantly, I need complete control.

When I close my eyes all I can see is open fields for miles, the leaves ruffling and dancing in the slight breeze. The sun is on my face, and a pack of smashed cigarettes hide in my back pocket. I don’t know where I am, or where I’m going from here, but all I can hear from somewhere in the distance is “keep it together”- an infinite track list on repeat.