Things change. Sometimes there’s not a whole you can do about it. Being able to adapt and grow along with the twists and turns that come with time is one of the only things you can do to live through the chaos. To keep your head above water when the tide is pulling you under. Everything is impermanent. And people stay the same as much as they don’t. Sometimes you completely lose sight of who you are because you think you’re doing the right thing. Am I doing the right thing now? Deep down I know what’s best for me better than anyone else does. Nothing is coincidence, synchronicity will attest to that. Every moment in life is an opportunity to make you a better person. Because it’s impossible to grow without struggle.

As Ville Valo once said, “you can’t enjoy heaven without the occasional glimpse of hell”.

This hourglass has dropped it’s last grain of sand. Next chapter.

I See You

Now that I have the answers I was looking for all along, I can’t help but to see myself in a different light. A place where everything is black and white and there are no shades of gray in between. It’s set in stone, and it’s now impossible to go back and un-see the truth. This is who I have been all along, buried beneath the facade of who I thought I was. I want to believe my lies. All of them. I want to think that this doesn’t change anything, but the truth is: it does. It changes the entire way I see myself- I am a disease; a slow eating cancer. This is the truth. And this will never change. This is who I have kept hidden from myself all of these years- so subconsciously at work that I couldn’t see it for myself.

Maybe monsters are real, but I don’t have to think about them like everyone else does because, deep down underneath it all, they’re just like me.

lovixe asked: What's something that simply keeps you going?

The possibility that there is more to my life than what I already know.

squidgyy-for-president asked: Hi, Soo what's it like to be in MIW? Do you tired of doing it sometimes? What's your favorite song out of all your guy's albums? Sorry for all the questions :) Bye.

Off in the distance there’s a storm brewing. Intense neon flashes cut through the looming black, and the sun hangs like a portrait in the corner of the world, its peach tint nearly beyond the horizon. Delicate reverberations drift from nowhere to here, the echo of underlying softness comforting and benevolent. Between gusts of cyclonic wind skating clouds across the sky, the iridescent glow of the fading sun is sometimes sallow, and others, a bloody red. Ahead, the dangerous black thing inches forward, and through the soft chimes dancing in the air come screaming thunderous booms that vibrate the asphalt beneath my feet. In the shadows of dying sunlight there’s a fuzzy static in the sky. Then it hits me. Clear specks cover my clothes in spattered, temporary stains. Sprinkling showers. Then, three-carat diamond size marbles of ice. Within seconds, the gust is so strong that its pulling air out of my lungs. Like sticking your head out of a car window going sixty, I’m gasping for air, and these marbles from the sky are pelting my skin leaving tiny, open welts.

Long ago there was a structure here. A sturdy brick box with a concrete foundation and crimped metal roofing. Over time, the mortar began to fail and, storm after increasingly violent storm, these healthy hunks of clay and concrete crumbled and withered from nature’s elements until it was nothing more than a skewed, tattered, two-foot-tall mausoleum. Now, it’s a pile of rubble and distorted sheet metal.

Glittering above me, the storm is at it’s peak, drowning the surrounding field, the ice ripping my clothes, and the wind stealing my air. Jolts of skin-melting electricity shoot into the ground nearby, and the soft, calming chimes in the distance are gone. So deafening is the storm that I try to yell, and it is nonexistent in the roaring thunder, like it was stolen from the same thieving wind that continues to take my breath. Looking back at the pile of rock that was once my shelter, the wind calms for only a brief moment, enough for a quick swallow of wet, chilled air that stings when it hits my lungs.

The sopping mound of stone sits silent, poker-faced, and stern, offering no tranquility or resolution. Opening my arms, I exhale as the last spark of lightning streaks across the sky, painting a single violet-frayed finger in the darkness that points exactly to where I stand.

Sweet Pandemonium

If there was some way to say everything that needed saying, then it may all come spewing out like the oatmeal-soup bile of a bulimic, and this would be a thousand pages long. But nothing makes sense anymore, and trying to retain full composure is faulty at best. Unfortunately, this means confusion on top of confusion. And in this world, confusion is everything. It’s what makes us vulnerable, and what keeps us weak. We are, by nature, afraid of what we don’t understand, and this binds us in constant purgatorial restraints. We are so far beyond anything even remotely close to the every day norm, that when this becomes all you know, it’s hard to understand the reality that the rest of the world lives. To find a common interest, or to communicate in a way that has any meaning is next to impossible. I’ve spent so much time thinking about everything in my life. Unfortunately, I don’t seem to comprehend a good single-digit percentage. I’m at a point in my life where the ties and bindings I thought I needed are slowly starting to untie and loosen, and it is without a doubt one of the most interesting things I’ve ever experienced. It’s as if I’m watching the landscape around me crumble bit by bit, and the only thing I’m able to do is watch, because its like seeing someone drown. And little by little, my life is land-sliding and I’m watching the foundations of buildings and landmarks pick up speed. Shortly, I feel that I’m going to see it all crash to the ground, and my world is going to tilt. Dipping ever so slightly into the deep end, giving me a taste of the chaos that will be out of my hands beyond that point. I’m in a continuous loop of my past, wondering how the impossible odds were in my favor and how I’m in the same mental state I was years ago with such different scenery. I’m not exactly sure what it is, but I can feel it with an intensity that’s inexplicable. It’s spilling out of the seams, having filled up somewhere deep within me, and if I don’t relieve some of the pressure I’m going to burst in some violent explosion where all my insides are spread out over the distance of a mile.

I’m not asking for you to understand, or for you to feel sorry, because you won’t understand, and feeling sorry wont bring peace to my internal pandemonium. I’m asking my mind to file away the clutter and bring some sort of order to the mess that is my brain. I’m asking to let go of the impulses, and let go of the constant backseat narration that comes with my every waking moment. I need some sort of serenity. I need undisturbed sleep. And most importantly, I need complete control.

When I close my eyes all I can see is open fields for miles, the leaves ruffling and dancing in the slight breeze. The sun is on my face, and a pack of smashed cigarettes hide in my back pocket. I don’t know where I am, or where I’m going from here, but all I can hear from somewhere in the distance is “keep it together”- an infinite track list on repeat.

Another new solo.

Another new solo.